Monday, September 28, 2009

Mr. Darcy, Vampyre by Amanda Grange


November 1802

My dearest Jane,

Be not alarmed by this quick correspondence, my new, dearly married sister, I just wanted to keep you well-informed of the going's on of the new Darcy household. I hear Pemberly's beautiful this time of year, but I, of course, have yet to see it! Darcy has drug me off to France and Italy on our "honeymoon tour" and yes I didn't know what that meant either. Apparently it means we get to travel to distant lands and castles and meet strange people with pale skin.

He's quit changed, my Mr. Darcy is, in fact I would say he's been a completely different person from our wedding day on. I hardly know what to make of him, all this brooding and melancholy. And yes, I know he was that way before, but we're married now. It's supposed to be different, isn't it? He leaves me quite unattended in the evenings, until I have no idea what he's about. I find his room empty with nothing but bats lingering outside his windows. Jane, bats! I have no idea what to make of it. Could he be a bat whisperer?

As far as our marriage bed is concerned, he has yet to know me in the traditional sense, instead when he touches me he looks pained and pale, and dark red blood trickles down his mouth in such a way I can hardly control my wanting to thrust the nearest wooden chair leg through his chest. Yet he doesn't yield. I don't know, but I'm sensing that's not a good sign. Perhaps there is a waiting period I know not of. Will you consult with your Bingley on the matter?

Care not though, Jane, I've met a variety of interesting people on our journey. Counts, and princes, and people so longing to woo me and kiss my neck, and I've only been chased by an angry mob with dogs and horses once, so you need not fear for my safety as you know what a fast runner I am in a long flowing dress.

When we shall be returning, I know not, but one of us needs to change and soon or I fear this marriage is doomed from the start. I'd hate to spend eternity with a man such as this. I will come to you as quickly as I can, but who knows Jane, when I return to England I might not be the sister you once loved for so many years. I may be quite changed.

I may be...dead.

Just kidding.
See ya soon sis.
Your beloved Elizabeth (sort of) Darcy
3 stars

Helluva Halloween Challenge and the Everything Austen Challenge

9 comments:

Nina said...

I love this! It makes me want to read the book asap! It sounds like fun. :)

Misty said...

I can't decide if I want to read this. On the one hand, it sounds hilarious and could be good fun pardoy. On the other, I was burned by P&P&Z, which just didn't do it for me.

So what did you think of this?

Lula O said...

The thing with this one, it's much more serious than I made it sound. This letter to her sister was parody (if not what I had hoped the book would be like), the one's in the actual story are not, in fact they're deathly serious. I was making fun of Elizabeth and how stupid she was not to figure out that Darcy was a vampire. This book is nothing like P&P&Z.

But what did I think? It was okay. It's well-written, and the concept was interesting, but she rehashes a lot of Austen's lines, a common trait in Austen fan fac that got seriously old for me after a while, and the story itself moves pretty slow, I'm talking snail pace here.

But Mr. Darcy does make an excellent vampire though, even if all he does is look pained, and occasionally sexy.
;)

StephanieD said...

Poor Austen - I wonder what she must think of zombies and vampires. Now that's a book - Jane Austen showing up to exact revenge on all the people who have taken liberties with her work.

vvb32 reads said...

i'm still intrigued with the premise of this book. i'm gonna give it a go. thanks for your comments on this one.

Lula O said...

Possible Austen revenge titles: How I Torched the Paper Factory (the source of all those darn diaries), or Why or Why Did I Name Him Fitzwilliam? or Jane Austen's Winter of Discontent - Count of Monte Cristo Style.

Thanks for stopping by everyone!

TheBlackSheep said...

The parody sounds better than your description of the book. Perhaps you should write a P&P fan novel?

Lula O said...

I am really good with words like, thither, and she is tolerable I suppose.
;p

Misty said...

It looks like I am going to be reading this. I just one a copy direct from Amanda Grange...